So She Stayed The Course...


This was the journal entry I wrote on April 4, 2018:

“In less than 72 hours, my life would change. I know it will. There’s nothing that I could do about it. And the truth is that I have been waiting for it to happen. Right now, everything inside of me is quite messy. How I wish I had more courage to ignore the doubts and uncertainties in my mind. I’ve tried… really. But I guess this is not one of those moments where I have more control of "mind over matter."

Maybe I’ll just let myself go with the flow for the next 72 hours. It’s funny how one single paper could have a significant impact on my life. Well, to get you on board, I’m talking about the “List” that the College of Law of ADDU will issue by Wednesday. The question that’s been bothering me is: Will I ever make it to the list?

A big part of me is really hopeful that I would be on that list. I’ve been in law school for quite a long time already. I couldn’t afford to extend for another year. It would be a big waste of money and opportunity. I have so many things lined up for the next few years and if I won’t be on the list, everything would change drastically. This is the kind of change that I do not want to deal with. Not anymore.

This is the kind of change I want: Graduate from law school by April 2018, start the review by May 2018, and take the bar by November 2018. It would be a difficult journey, but I’m looking forward to just get it over with. Because as long as I’m still in law school, I will always get stuck. I can never move forward with my life. Studying for the bar is another battle, and I’ll figure out what to do when I get there.

For those who do not know, I’m the type of person who is happy-go-lucky or worry-free. Whenever something bad comes my way (like failing grades or bad recitations), all I do is just shrug it away. As a firm believer of The Secret, it’s my mantra just to be happy all the time even if deep inside I’m struggling. I guess my “super-happy-go-lucky” moments have come to pass. It’s time to own up to my mistakes now and remind myself that I’m not getting any younger. I could not afford to keep on delaying my life.

Sooooo… Right now, I’m really exhausted. I want to graduate so bad. I want to make my parents proud of me. My success is their success. Without my mama and papa, I would have given a long time ago. I just want to liberate myself from the chains of law school. If I graduate this year, it would be hitting two birds at the same time — giving my parents something to be proud of and giving myself a chance to be sane again.

I HAVE NO OTHER PLANS BUT TO MAKE IT TO THE LIST THIS YEAR. I have not thought of Plan B or Plan C. There is only one plan. I am going to make it happen. I will. This is a promise.

And so the countdown begins. 72 hours before I find out the next chapter of my life. Wish me luck.”

Here's my blog post for today:

How I wish I could say that I made it to the list. As it turned out, my name was not on "the paper."

It was heart-breaking.  I felt helpless. I felt ashamed of myself. 

When I found out that I could not graduate this year, my first reaction was to break down in tears. I kept crying for two hours straight. I didn't know what to do. Everything was too painful to accept. While I was crying, I received a phone call from a friend (a lawyer) who already found out about the list. He told me that things happen for a reason. He tried to console me with some comforting words and promises of a better tomorrow. He told me that there's nothing he could do to take away the pain but gave a reassurance that the situation was only temporary. Even after his call, I still felt down and heartbroken.

The first phone call I made was to my mom. I told her about what happened, and her reaction made me more guilty. She did not yell at me nor scolded me for not making it on the list. Instead, she asked where I am and offered to fetch me. She simply told me to keep my cool and refrain from driving while crying. I knew it was hard for her too, but she remained strong, so I could not feel the pressure. When my dad found about it, he was furious at first. He was expecting me to finally graduate this April, but again, I did not meet his expectation. What broke my heart, even more, was when he called to remind me how much he loves me and that he will always be proud of me no matter what happens. 

Fast forward to this day; I still feel sad knowing that my classmates would graduate at the end of the month. I have to be honest that I am quite jealous of their achievement. I wish I could be part of the graduating class for 2018. But, I could not stay in the dark for a long time. I need to bounce back from this major setback in my law school life. I have to accept the fact that I failed. I have to trust in the judgments of my teachers -- that I'm not yet ready for the bar. 

Just recently, I was convinced that there is a timing to everything. Maybe my "perfect timing" is next still next year. Yes, I have to endure another year of law school. It was difficult to accept at first, but there's nothing I could do about it. I could not allow myself to succumb to negative emotions. I need to get back on track because my dream of becoming a lawyer is still within me. Just because I did not graduate this year does not mean that "LLB" will never attach to my name. I guess the best thing to do right now is to trust the process. 

So what now? I have another year to make things right. I'll try harder. I'll be a better law student. I'll keep trying until I reach the finish line. 2018 is not the year that I will give up. I'll keep fighting. 


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