There is something about cold nights. They make you more vulnerable than you already are. On these nights, you will start to think about all the decisions you made and all the choices you will be making. You will ask questions about the "what could have beens", the "what ifs", and the "maybes" in your life. Your thoughts will stir up all the emotions that you have inside -- those that you express to the people around you and those that you try to hide from them. All these will happen naturally which makes it quite funny yet frightening at the same time. The cold nights will make you too emotional and a certified over thinker.
I don't like who I become (or who I am) on cold nights. I hate it when I am left alone with my thoughts and feelings on a cold night like tonight. So, for tonight, just let me write and write and write and write and write...
Thought #1: I only need a few.
I came to a realization that in this life, I don't need a lot but only a few. If you check the dictionary, the synonyms for the word few are: not many, hardly any, scarcely any, a small number of, a small amount of, a small quantity of, one or two, a handful of, a sprinkling of, little.
I admit that there was a point in my life where I wanted everyone to like, love and admire me. For this reason, I acted and talked the way they wanted or expected me to.
Did they like me? Yes.
Did they love me? Yes.
Did they admire me? Yes.
Was I happy? No.
It's sad when you try to fit in on someone's definition of a 'likeable' person. It's exhausting to do things with the agenda of simply meeting the expectations of the people around you. It's frustrating to try to become their idea of a "right, moral or perfect" individual and in the process end up losing who you really are.
Then one day, I woke up and said to myself "Fuck it." Seriously, fuck what other people think about me or with what I say and do. I only need a few in this life -- those who fully accept who I really am, those who do not judge and those who understand why I do or say certain things. I am tired of forced interactions. I am tired of pretending to be someone I'm really not. Who cares if people don't like me, right? Who cares if they do not love nor admire me?
Again, I only need a few. As long as the people I love and respect stays with me, then I am fine with it. I don't need everyone to like, love or admire me. Right now, what matters is my relationship with the right people in my life. Knowing that there is "a few" whom I can trust and depend on is already enough to keep me going.
Thought #2: It's always good to manage expectations.
The problem with being an empath is that you also expect people around you to be an empath. One of the things I hate about myself is that I have high expectations of the people around me. I always choose to see the good side of every person I meet so whenever they screw up, I feel really bad. Sometimes, I even think that it's my fault why they fucked up.
However, recently, I came across several individuals who love to disappoint me. Hating them would be justifiable but no, I won't give them that satisfaction. What I will do instead is to thank them for all the unmet expectations. Because of them, I am reminded to manage my expectations. They are the ones who are teaching me to expect less from people. It is not an easy thing to do but I am proud to say that I'm learning. In fact, I have grown to accept the bullshits that this life has to offer. Sometimes, I still cry my heart out for the disappointments but most of the time, I just keep my cool. Whenever things go bad or people upset me, I simply:
- Write about it,
- Go to my favorite local pub and drink alone,
- Invite my friends to accompany me for coffee or drinks,
- Eat some sweet treats,
- Watch my favorite TV series or discover new movies,
- Listent to good songs on my Spotify playlists, or
- Cry until I feel okay.
In difficult times and disappointing moments, I remind myself "It's okay baby girl. You can't have it all. You're gonna be okay."
Read also: It's Okay Baby Girl, You Don't Have To
Thought #3: What if I end up alone?
Earlier today, a friend asked me "Gene, mahadlok ka na single lang ka until matigulang ka?" ("Are you afraid that you're going to stay single as you grow old?") Without hesitations, I answered "yes." People may see me as a strong independent woman on the outside. What they do not know is inside that woman is a soft-hearted girl who just wants to love and be loved. Trust me when I say that I'm hopeless romantic yet cynical at the same time. I believe in happy endings and also in the fact that people lie, cheat and hurt one another. It's fucked up, right?
The truth is that I want long walks, tight hugs, endless cuddles, sweet kisses and great love making with the right person at the right time. I long for the nights when I could watch films, read books or enjoy good conversations with "that person." I long for the days when I could just drink coffee or tea and share silence with "that person." You know, those moments where you would feel intense happiness in your heart. I am excited to waking up in a good Sunday morning with the love of my life beside me. I daydream of having that morning where the first thing I would do is stare at my partner's face as he peacefully sleeps next to me then I would move slowly (making sure I wouldn't wake him up) and go to the kitchen in order to prepare his breakfast. I also look forward to having great nights with him as we drink from the bar counter of our home or as we hop from one bar to another.
I want what Sally has in 'When Harry Met Sally' or what Ruth and Sophia have in 'The Longest Ride'. I'm afraid that I might become Ana in 'Like Crazy' or Greta in 'Begin Again.' I don't want to go through what Rosie experienced in 'Love, Rosie' or what Julianne experienced in 'My Bestfriend's Wedding" or that of Louisa in 'Me Before You.'
Also, I long for a life where I would sit in a living room and feel contentment as I move my eyes from one photo frame to another because I'd see captured moments of my beautiful family. I want to be a loving wife and a nurturing mom someday. I want to experience how it feels to celebrate a son or a daughter's first birthday, to take random photos of a toddler's daily activities, and to finally send a child to pre-school. I want to be that kind of mother who places her children as the top priority. I aspire to be a woman whom my future kids would look up to and be proud of.
"NOW" is not yet the right time for all these. Maybe I'm not yet the right person for someone. Maybe I'm just too messed up to be with someone. Whatever the reason is, I am willing to let this go for the moment. My top priority is to finish law school and pass the bar as soon as possible. I am not looking for a serious relationship in the next two years, but this is not an absolute statement (lol). If someone really worth it comes along... then maybe we can negotiate some terms and conditions. HAHAHA Kidding aside, I just want the right love at the right time. I hope I won't end up alone. Not in this lifetime.