“I’m a strong independent woman.” This holds true most of the time. I don’t mind going to restaurants or visiting local coffee shops without someone to accompany me. I don’t need anyone to do things for me because I believe that better results are achieved when I do them on my own. I have the capacity to fix whatever is broken in me or in my life independently.
I don’t need anyone.
However, I cannot deny that there are times when I couldn’t help but let my insecurities and weaknesses take hold the best of me. There are nights when I find myself making a complete surrender.
Those are the nights when I curl up in bed, stare blankly on the ceiling and wonder what went wrong. Where is the girl that I was two or three years ago? What will she think of me now? How did I end up here? Why do I keep on making the wrong choices and decisions? Why do I settle for something less all the time?
During those moments, I feel completely helpless. I wish someone would be there to listen to the silent cries of my heart. I wish someone’s arms would make me feel safe. I wish I never had to deal with the demons inside me. It’s frustrating to find that I’m on my own – with no one to call, to talk to, to hug or to share the silence with.
It is a struggle for half of me wants to cry my heart out to sleep while the other half wants to stay strong. A part of me refuses to accept that I am vulnerable, that I get exhausted and that I am on my own. Despite all the loneliness that consumes my entire system, the independent woman in me tries so hard to remain strong… to fight the thoughts that are drowning me to oblivion.
For these difficult times, I remind myself to stay calm and not to go against the current. In those nights, the words “You can to this, baby girl. Everything will soon be fine.” is enough to keep me going.
I am writing this down to remind every woman out there that no matter how independent we are, there will always be moments of confusion and vulnerability. May this post remind us that we can never be strong independent women all the time, and it’s okay. Breakdown, cry and when everything is over, get up. Stand still. Be ready to face the world again and make sure that this time, you are little stronger. At the end of the day, girl, it will always be you.
Song for this: "Cause we all get lost sometimes, you know? It's how we learn and how we grow." -- Cold Water by Major Lazer