This is the post where I am going to end everything. I was so afraid of confronting my fears which was the reason why I suffered for a long time. However, last night, as I listened to the sound of the wind kissing the leaves of the tree facing my room and as I satisfied myself with the perfection of the stars filling the night sky, I felt the need to finally come out of my comfort zone — to face what I have been fearing. I knew I was not prepared but I had no choice. So I made that phone call. I had to do it so I can move on to the next chapter of my life. I don’t want to keep on holding on something that was no longer giving me the happiness and peace of mind I know I deserve.
"Let yourself move to the next chapter
in life when the time comes.
Don’t remain stuck on the same page."
I was never good at endings. But somehow, I managed to survive saying farewell to one thing I have always wanted. It was painful to walk away from a beautiful complicated story. This time, I will not lie and say that everything is okay because the truth is: It sucks. It hurts. Right from the start, I was aware that it was bound to end. I even tried to warn myself to keep it cool but you know, no one is really prepared when something ends. You will always be caught off guard and believe me, it would feel like your heart was ripped open -- crushed to tiny little pieces, leaving you helpless. As if all my life until then, a side of me was sleeping and then an earthquake came and the grounds I was standing on rearranged.
"Whatever comes, let it come.
Whatever stays, let is stay.
Whatever goes, let it go."
What I am going through at the moment will just be another memory months or years from now. It will probably make me cry, laugh or feel sorry for myself. Only one thing is for sure: I will feel glad knowing that at some point in my life I had a taste of it. There were a lot of lessons that it presented right before my eyes. Now, as I move forward to the next chapter, I will carry with me all the things that I learned from the said experience. As what Lang Leav said in one of her works: "My greatest lesson learnt: you were mine until you weren’t. It was you who taught me so, the grace in letting go. The time we had was all—there was not a moment more."
"Having a soft heart in a cruel world
is courage, not weakness."
I am an empath. People know this. I always choose to see the good in every person I meet or in every situation that I encounter. A part of me always tries to understand the circumstances that led certain persons act they way they are acting or why they fail to act in a way that they should have done. Some of my friends tell me that it is my weakness. However, for me, I believe that it is courage: I am strong enough to open myself up even if it makes me completely vulnerable. I always feel too much. At the same time, I also make sure that I tell others how I truly feel because I don't want to regret not having said the things I really wanted to say. At least, when the time comes that I will need to walk down the memory lane, I will feel no regrets - not even a single thing.
I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible. Because one day, I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming.”- Rachel C. Lewis
There is no pain like the pain of
never knowing what could have been.
The time has come that I have to drop what has been holding me from moving forward. I am still hurting but one day, everything will make sense. There is a consolation that I got from the closure I confronted last night. I now know where I stand and where I have to go. The destination is not something I want because after everything, a part of me still wants to stay. But then again, I have to go because it is the right thing to do. I deserve so much more. One day, I will be okay and when that day comes, I swear there will be no more space for the recently concluded chapter.
The first full moon of the new year will light the sky tonight. Full moon always signify new beginnings or transitions. I know that I can never begin again completely. There will always be hang ups. God knows how much I want to really to want to get out of "this" situation and I'm glad I'm about to take the first step. I am ready to go.
What I need to remind myself as I begin a new journey:
- Timing most likely will never be on your side, but you have to trust in it. There are reasons why things don't work out. Timing will not only make you close company with the past, where you'll be reminded of the things that didn't work out, but the future, where you'll meet the reasons why it never did.
- I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it.
- People are gonna be who they are going to be and we need to learn to love them for who they are and let them love who they wanna love.
- Loving someone who cannot love you the same way in return is not weakness. It’s one of the most courageous things you’ll ever do. You are putting your armour at their feet and you are saying “I will not fight you in this. I have loved you and that means that I have already won.”
- Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made, or by dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.
- Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
- Always be a little kinder than necessary.
For the new year, I don’t have new promises. All I want is for things to be under my control this time. I want my feelings to guide me but not control me. GOD. I AM SO EXCITED FOR ALL OF THE GOOD THINGS TO COME. I am in charge of what I feel and from now on, I will choose happiness. The time has finally come. This is it. I feel free. I am back on track. Indeed, there is (some kind of) beauty in saying goodbye.
This is where our story really ends.
PS This will be the last time that I will write or talk about it.