Friday, July 24

some memories are meant to be remembered..

after two days of suffering from seasonal flu, i finally had the chance to visit my alma mater - de la salle john bosco college. it was the place where i finished my primary and secondary education.. i have countless memories from the said institution. of course, i stayed there for like 12 years.

the primary reason why i wanted to go back to my old school is to talk to my dearest ex-adviser who, according to my friends, is mad at me because i wasn't able to invite her on my debut party last may. i knew i needed settle some things with her. i can't allow my stupid mistake ruin our good relationship.. at first, that was the only reason i had in my mind. but..

when i entered the gates of the new DLSBC, i felt something great in me. then, i said to myself,
"i love to be back here. i want to have a touch of the old things i used to enjoy and to smile at, i want to feel the old feelings i had way back my high school years and i want to bring the old memories back to life.."

there were a lot of changes since the first time i entered the school (kindergarten).. the name, vision mission, buildings, pathways, catwalks, courts, gymnasium, roads.. almost everything has changed and yet, i still have the same old feelings..

everywhere i go reminds me of something wonderful. i can't deny that there were some bad memories that came up my mind but still, the good ones prevailed. i found myself smiling as i remember certain things..


i wouldn't dare forget the high school graduation day or else i'll be caught dead by my batch mates. :D i still remember the exact date of that special day - it was on march 25, 2007.

sexy back? LOL. he should have left when this picture was taken. haha.

with my senior classmates..

with some of my junior classmates..


within a four-walled classroom, i met persons having different personalities. some were too outspoken, some were too shy, some were bad, some were good.. i never thought that those persons will compose my barkada.. it's just so amazing to know that i still have them despite all the difficulties that has come to our friendship. this only means that they're my real friends. and with that, i'm certain.

yes, i'm one of the boys. LOL.

right after classes, we usually stay on this place we call "the stairway of happiness."


on my last year on DLSJBC, they were the persons who made a great difference in my life. they taught me many things such wearing high heels all the time is a big no-no, make-up is sometimes a necessity but most of the time it isn't, simplicity is beauty and more! i so miss alphonians..

wearing the class shirt on the socialization day.

i miss the driving lessons with my two great buddies.

the old me and ken. :)

memories may fade as the years go by but they won't age a day..

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Sunday, July 5

love isn't enough. it never was..

for the very first time, i had an all-by-myself saturday afternoon. there were no calls from friends asking me where i am, no invitations for hang outs, no annoying messages from persons i don't want to be with, no room mate for chitchats and no girl friends to shop with.

luckily, i was able to sleep the whole afternoon alone in my little cold room.

i must say, i had a very great saturday afternoon beauty rest. i thought to myself, "this might be my lucky day. i don't find anything to worry about except that i did something i should have not done." well, that's what i thought not until i was faced with a dilemma.


it was about 4 in the afternoon when i woke up from a very wonderful sleep. i grabbed my phone and checked for messages.. as i was about to read the messages, "the girl calling" (the girl is just an alias i used to cover for my friend's name) appeared in the screen. i hurriedly took the call and screamed, "the girl!" i was expecting the voice on the other line to be happy but i was frustrated. there was a different "the girl" talking to me. her voice wasn't the kind of voice i would want to hear. she was no longer the same old energetic person. she was speaking soft and slow, as if she's afraid that somebody might hear her speak. i asked how's she doing with her new life. she just answered me with "okay lang. padulong ko downtown. kuhaon na nako mcard.. see you sa brew." ("just fine. i'm on my way to the city to get the mcard. see you at brew.") and then she hung up.

i wanted to call her back but i was so hesitant that she might not want me to call her. so, instead of returning her call, i just sent her a message saying i'll meet her at brew crew's coffee shop after an hour. there was no reply..

i was blogging then when she texted me, "aha ka?" ("where are you?") i sent her a very short reply, "brew." in a few minutes, i saw her standing outside the coffee shop.
she was smiling but i knew that something's so wrong. i even know what that something is. it's just that i'm not so sure about it.. i invited her for a cup of coffee so we can talk about the "thing" but she said she couldn't. her future husband, the one she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with, was waiting in the car.

i flashed her a sad smile and asked her not to hurt herself. she can't marry the person she isn't sure of.. and most, she can't stop going to school. it was as if she didn't hear anything from me. she just said she can't stay any longer and she only needs to get the mcard i borrowed from her.. i gave her what she was looking for and she left.
i wanted to stop her but i couldn't.. i'm afraid that it would be the last time i'll ever see her again. i just hope no..


right after "the girl" left, i went back to my table and finished my mocha freeze. i then left to visit my cousin at her place..

at my cousin's apartment: i was lying in bed when my phone rang. i took the cellphone from my bag and saw that "the boy" was calling me. i pressed the green call button and asked him why he called.

he told me that he read my facebook status and then he remembered to call me. i didn't know what to answer. so i just ask him, "okay ka na?" to keep the conversation going. i knew i was stupid for asking him that kind of question because i'm aware that he wasn't. he really isn't.
we talked about many things and i told him that i had a 10-minute chat with "the girl" at brew. he asked me about the things we talked and why i didn't call him when in fact, he was just at street cafe waiting for my call. he was expecting that he'd see "the girl" once again. i answered him, "i didn't know you were at street caf. nah 'his name', we only talked for like ten minutes. you know naman, her future husband was waiting for her."

i also told him that "the girl" told me that she will be going back to school after her wedding. too bad, we're not invited.

i felt the sadness and the hopelessness of a great man over the phone. i knew that he really loves "the girl" so much but he just couldn't find a way how to keep her. what could he do? he's just a plain student who doesn't earn great amount of money while the other man is a seaman who is capable of doing anything just like taking away from her the first woman he loves so dearly.

there was a different voice now. it sounded like it came from a little boy who is secretly crying after losing a thing which he considers as precious. i knew that time, i had to help him. so, i asked where he was and decided to fetch him there..

since he was at the same street with my cousin's place, it was easy for me to see him..

i saw a man standing just outside a black adventure car and i was sure it was him. i went near that man and smiled at him. i wasn't expecting him to smile for i know it's hard for a broken hearted person to flash a smile. he can't fake his smile..

honestly, at that exact moment, i didn't know what to do. i just asked him to listen to me first and to stop crying for it won't help him. unfortunately, i failed.

tears were running down his cheeks and he was ashamed of it. he wanted to stop crying but he couldn't.. i wanted to help him but i didn't know how. i just kept on talking and talking until the night ended.

he sent me home and he left with tears on his eyes.


they love each other and that, i'm certain. it breaks my heart to know that they are no longer together.. i can't accept the fact that "the girl" has to marry another man whom she doesn't love. i don't see the point why her mom wants her to marry at the age of 19, and worse, with someone her daughter hates.. i don't also understand why "the girl" and "the boy" need to part ways when they are so in-love with each other.

i wish i could do something to save their relationship. i wish i could stop the marriage. i wish i could help them ease the pain they're feeling. i wish i could make impossible things possible..

now, i know that love isn't enough to keep two persons together. letting go is an art everyone must be a master of because most of the time, people don't get what they want.



Friday, July 3

By The River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept

I've re-read paulo coehlo's "By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept". I'm just so glad that Pilar found her way back to the first man she loved. It's funny how everything is changed by a sudden twist of fate..

Pilar talks more about love while her lover talks more about life. :)

Below are some of the lines I took from my favorite author's book..

''on the bank of the river piedra, i sat down and wept.''

''if only i could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and i could finally forget.''

''all love stories are the same.''

'' has been twelve years; people change.''

''i could have. what does this phrase mean?... the magic moments go unrecognized, and then suddenly, the hand of destiny changes everything.''

''yes, life teaches us many things.''

''no one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eye. and any woman with the least bit of sensitivity can read the eyes of a man in love.''

''i had loved him - if a child can know what love means.''

''it wasn't what i had been thinking, he was no longer insisting, he was ready to let me leave - a man in love doesn't act that way.''

''i was there because life had presented me with Life.''

''i was more and more convinced that he was right: there are moments when you take a risk, do crazy things.''

''this is all a dream. it's going to end. but how long can i make the dream go on?''

''he said that he had loved me. we hadn't had time to talk about it, but i knew i could convince him that it wasn't true... there can't be any love involved.''

''the love he was talking about only exists in fairy tales. in real life, love has to be possible. even if it is urned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire. anything else is fantasy.''

''lovers need to know how to lose themselves and then how to find themselves again.''

''if love were easy, i would be embracing him by now.''

''but love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. for when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesn't even matter whether we can keep our loved one at our side. to love is to lose control. no, no, i cannot allow such a crack to form. no matter how small.''

''love is a trap. when it appears, we only see its light, not its shadows.''

'''ridiculous. there's nothing deeper than love. in fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. in real life, the princesses kiss princes, and princes turn into frogs.''

''i knew he was going to turn my world upside down. my brain warned me, but my heart didn't want to take its advice.''

''life takes us by surprise and orders us to move toward the unknown - even when we don't want to and when we think we don't need to.''

''i was tired of playing the child and acting the way many of my friends did - the ones who are afraid that love is impossible without even knowing what love is. if i stayed like that, i would miss out on everything good that these few days with him might offer.''

''i've been in love before. it's like a narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. but then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. and just addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love... so we should love only those who can stay near us.''

''i can pretend-at least for a few minutes-that i am different.'

''i observed the woman i had been until then: weak but trying to give the impression of strength. fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn't fear - it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. putting of shutters in front of windows to keep the joy the sun from entering - just so the sun's rays wouldn't fade my old furniture.''

''but love is always new. regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation.''

i also knew that from this moment on i was going to experience heaven and hell, joy and pain, dreams and hopelessness...''

''and i'd heard again the voice of the child i had been, of the princess who was fearful of loving and losing.''

''why did you come back? why wait until today to tell me this story, when you can see that i am beginning to love you?''

''if pain must come, may it come quickly. because i have a life to live, and i need to live it in the best way possible. if he has to make a choice, may he make it now. then i will either wait for him or forget him. waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.''

'' would be better to die than to fail to love.''

''i think that God, in Her infinite wisdom, conceals hell in the midst of paradise - so that we will always be alert, so that we won't forget the pain as we experience the joy of compassion.''

''men always have their reasons but the fact is that they always wind up leaving.''

''if i have to fall, may it be from a high place.''

''love doesn't ask many questions, because if we stop to think we become fearful. it's an inexplicable fear; it's difficult even to describe it. maube it's the fear of being scorned, of not being accepted, or of breaking the spell. it's ridiculous, but that's the way it is. that's why you don't ask - you act. as what you've said many times, you have to take risks.''

''but sometimes if you think you know something, you do wind up understanding it.''

''was i trying to bind him even closer to me, or was i trying to set him free?''

''if we act quickly we'll be able to regain control.''

''men always have their reasons but the fact is that they always wind up leaving.''

''he was the first person i ever loved.''

''he has been present every day of my life - whether i wanted him there or not.''

''i wanted to tell him how much i loved him and how badly i wanted him at the moment. but i was silent.''

''i felt as if i had lived the same day over and over for years on end, waking up every morning in the same way, repeating the same words, and dreaming the same dreams.''

''i saw nothing - only the darkness that engulfed me.''

''it's easy to suffer because you love a person... that's the kind of suffering that you accept as a part of life; it's a noble, grand sort of suffering... but how to explain the suffering because of a man? it's not explainable. with that kind of suffering, a person feels as if tehy're in hell, because there is no nobility, no greatness - only misery.''

''everything that was most important in my life had been given so generously to me in the course of one week - and had been taken from me in a minute, without my having chance to say a thing.''

''but apparently this was not the time for me to d i was to go on living.''

''every story has a sad ending.''

''and i cried until there were no more tears.''

''love perseveres. it's men who change.''

''roads are made to be travelled.''

''you have to take risks. we will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. every day, God gives us... one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy.''

''yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times and we will experience many disappointments - but all of this is transitory; it leaves us no permanent mark. and one day, we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.''

''pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow.''

''it taught me that we can learn, and it taught me that we can change, even when it seems impossible.''

''it's a very simple sentence.. i love you.''

''sometimes an uncontrollable feeling of sadness grips us..''

''listen to your heart more.''

''i know you don't love me. but i'm going to fight for your love. there are somethings in life that are worth fighting fore to the end.''

''this is where i realized how much i needed you in my life.''

''we are our own greatest surprise.''

''one has to believe, accept and be willing to make mistakes.''

''i have always loved you... every road i traveled led back to you. i wrote leeters to you and opened every letter of yours afraid that you would tell me you had found someone.''

''i was afraid you had gone away. you are the most precious thing i have on this earth.''

''i am going to sit here with you by the river. if you go home to sleep, i will sleep in front of your house. and if you go away, i will follow you - until you tell me to go awa. then i'll leave. but i have to love you for the rest of my life.''

''i can read your eyes. i can read your heart. you are going to fall in love and suffer.''

''only a/man who is happy can create happiness in others.''

''...go there and resolve any doubts you may have.''

''and love always causes stupidity.''

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